After having a discussion with my doctor this week, we decided to change our plan of action by just a little bit. We're still most likely heading toward laparoscopic surgery to look for endometriosis, but he wants to try something else first. Like I mentioned earlier, he put me on Metformin about a month ago. Now I am also on Clomid and Femara. I have done plenty of rounds of Clomid, but the doc has said this combination has worked for several women. I can always use a few more fertility drugs coursing through my system, right? Anyway, we'll try this for three months, and then we'll do the surgery. At that point, if there is no endometriosis, our only options are to keep waiting, pursue IVF, or adopt. It's kind of scary that we are so close to only having IVF or adoption as options, but I've kind of seen this coming for a while.
I've been on the cocktail for a few days now, and I feel okay. I'm pretty sure I had a hot flash this morning when I got to church because of the raging hormones in my body. I sat down and immediately started overheating. I was on fire for about five minutes, then it went away. Fun!
I've been thinking about multiples a lot lately. I think part of it is the fact that I'm on 3 different drugs, part because of IVF looming in the future, and part because our neighbor had twins about a month ago. I told T (hubby) about my thoughts the other day, and the next night we both had a dream about twins. I would be totally thrilled with multiples, as long as they were all healthy. I know that sounds horrible to people, but I don't really care at this point if they come one at a time or all at once, as long as they come.
I have a lot of things I want to talk about dealing with the emotional trauma of infertility, but I'm a bit swamped with the final weeks of the semester, so it will be coming. For now, let's just say that writing my own feelings and thoughts on this blog is so much healthier than the blog-stalking I tend to do, reading about everyone's pregnancy and baby adventures. If anyone is still reading this, thanks for letting me put it all out there.
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Small Blessings
I posted this on our family blog, but I thought it would also be appropriate here. I tend to get pretty negative when I talk about the challenges of infertility, so I thought I would try and put in a positive note.
It's often easy for me to get so focused on the challenges in life that I don't recognize the blessings in my life. We all have challenges, but we are all also very blessed. I've been working on recognizing those little blessings in life that make life joyful:
- I've been working with one of my little violin students for about three months, and last week she finally played Twinkle Twinkle Little Star all the way through. It was such an achievement! Her mother and I cheered and cheered, and she looked like she had just won the New York Marathon. It was such a glorious moment.
- We had a studio recital for my university students a few weeks ago. One student in particular has been struggling with feelings of confidence. When we met for his lesson the day before the recital, he told me that he had every intention of "falling flat on his face" in the recital, including memory problems. He told me that if it did happen, he would just walk off stage without finishing the performance. After a long talk he agreed to try and change his thinking. At the recital, he performed beautifully. Another great moment.
- I am the nursery leader in my ward. Sunday is always an adventure. We have a junior and senior nursery to help create a little more order, and it works quite well. The other week we decided to play some games in senior nursery. Duck duck goose is always a favorite. We start out playing it the normal way, but slowly the game unravels as random kids decide they want to be "it", or be the one chased, or as kids demand their same seat back when they sit down. It ends with the three adults sitting in the circle while all of the children are running around in a circle chasing each other. It never fails to make me laugh.
- I don't spend a whole lot of time in junior nursery (18 months-2 years), mostly because we only have a few kids in there and they most just sit quietly playing with toys. I do, however, bring in the treats each week since the food is stored in the senior nursery room. The kids have been well trained to recognize me as "the food lady", and whenever I come in they try to get the table and chairs out, and they get so excited. They get very upset if I come in early just to check on them and I don't have food. These little guys may not be able to talk yet, but they are sure entertaining.
- Tuesday afternoons are a treasured time in my family. Every week I go out to lunch with my mom and two sisters. We go to a different place every time. Sometimes one or more of us has already eaten, but we still come because we always have a great time talking and laughing. Wherever we go, we always seem to be the loudest table.
I already feel better. I know that I am truly blessed, and I'm going to work harder at recognizing those little blessings as they come.
It's often easy for me to get so focused on the challenges in life that I don't recognize the blessings in my life. We all have challenges, but we are all also very blessed. I've been working on recognizing those little blessings in life that make life joyful:
- I've been working with one of my little violin students for about three months, and last week she finally played Twinkle Twinkle Little Star all the way through. It was such an achievement! Her mother and I cheered and cheered, and she looked like she had just won the New York Marathon. It was such a glorious moment.
- We had a studio recital for my university students a few weeks ago. One student in particular has been struggling with feelings of confidence. When we met for his lesson the day before the recital, he told me that he had every intention of "falling flat on his face" in the recital, including memory problems. He told me that if it did happen, he would just walk off stage without finishing the performance. After a long talk he agreed to try and change his thinking. At the recital, he performed beautifully. Another great moment.
- I am the nursery leader in my ward. Sunday is always an adventure. We have a junior and senior nursery to help create a little more order, and it works quite well. The other week we decided to play some games in senior nursery. Duck duck goose is always a favorite. We start out playing it the normal way, but slowly the game unravels as random kids decide they want to be "it", or be the one chased, or as kids demand their same seat back when they sit down. It ends with the three adults sitting in the circle while all of the children are running around in a circle chasing each other. It never fails to make me laugh.
- I don't spend a whole lot of time in junior nursery (18 months-2 years), mostly because we only have a few kids in there and they most just sit quietly playing with toys. I do, however, bring in the treats each week since the food is stored in the senior nursery room. The kids have been well trained to recognize me as "the food lady", and whenever I come in they try to get the table and chairs out, and they get so excited. They get very upset if I come in early just to check on them and I don't have food. These little guys may not be able to talk yet, but they are sure entertaining.
- Tuesday afternoons are a treasured time in my family. Every week I go out to lunch with my mom and two sisters. We go to a different place every time. Sometimes one or more of us has already eaten, but we still come because we always have a great time talking and laughing. Wherever we go, we always seem to be the loudest table.
I already feel better. I know that I am truly blessed, and I'm going to work harder at recognizing those little blessings as they come.
Thursday, November 10, 2011
A Big Fat Question Mark
I finally heard back from the doctor on the semen analysis. Apparently the results originally got sent to the wrong doctor with the same last name in the same city, so some foot doctor or someone now knows all about my husband's sperm count. :)
Anyway, hubby passed with flying colors. For those who are not "in the know" with sperm counts, anything over 20 million is considered normal. Hubby is over 60 million. Needless to say, he was quite pleased with himself. We figured he wasn't the problem, but at least now we know for sure. I'm the broken one.
I forgot to mention that the doctor put me on Metformin a few weeks about. It is actually medication for diabetics to regulate blood sugar, but it has proven to work well in helping women ovulate and get pregnant, so we are giving it a try. It is much cheaper than Clomid, but it makes me nauseated in the mornings. We'll try it for a few months and see what happens, but if all of that Clomid didn't work, I kind of have my doubts with this stuff.
The doc was happy with hubby's test results, but now we are back to "I don't know". That is the worst thing to hear from a doctor, and I have heard it many times. In his words, "According to all the tests you've done and all the medication you've been on, you should be pregnant several times over by now. I don't know why you're not". That is so frustrating! Every time we do a test or procedure, part of me is hoping they will find something that will explain our infertility, even if the prognosis is not great. At least then we would know. I feel so helpless in this situation.
The doc said that the only thing left to test for is endometriosis. He said that I'm not having many symptoms of it, but it is pretty much the only thing left to look for. The test is actually a laproscopy, which is an exploratory surgery. They will go through a small hole in my abdomen and look around for endometrial cells where they shouldn't be. It will be a day surgery, so the recovery shouldn't be too bad, but it is still surgery. At this point, it's the only that makes sense to do. If it is endometriosis, they may be able to take care of it during the same surgery, but if it is too bad there won't be much they can do.
So at least we have something more to do. Action is so much better than sitting and waiting and going crazy. We'll probably schedule it for sometime over Christmas break. Merry Christmas to me.
Anyway, hubby passed with flying colors. For those who are not "in the know" with sperm counts, anything over 20 million is considered normal. Hubby is over 60 million. Needless to say, he was quite pleased with himself. We figured he wasn't the problem, but at least now we know for sure. I'm the broken one.
I forgot to mention that the doctor put me on Metformin a few weeks about. It is actually medication for diabetics to regulate blood sugar, but it has proven to work well in helping women ovulate and get pregnant, so we are giving it a try. It is much cheaper than Clomid, but it makes me nauseated in the mornings. We'll try it for a few months and see what happens, but if all of that Clomid didn't work, I kind of have my doubts with this stuff.
The doc was happy with hubby's test results, but now we are back to "I don't know". That is the worst thing to hear from a doctor, and I have heard it many times. In his words, "According to all the tests you've done and all the medication you've been on, you should be pregnant several times over by now. I don't know why you're not". That is so frustrating! Every time we do a test or procedure, part of me is hoping they will find something that will explain our infertility, even if the prognosis is not great. At least then we would know. I feel so helpless in this situation.
The doc said that the only thing left to test for is endometriosis. He said that I'm not having many symptoms of it, but it is pretty much the only thing left to look for. The test is actually a laproscopy, which is an exploratory surgery. They will go through a small hole in my abdomen and look around for endometrial cells where they shouldn't be. It will be a day surgery, so the recovery shouldn't be too bad, but it is still surgery. At this point, it's the only that makes sense to do. If it is endometriosis, they may be able to take care of it during the same surgery, but if it is too bad there won't be much they can do.
So at least we have something more to do. Action is so much better than sitting and waiting and going crazy. We'll probably schedule it for sometime over Christmas break. Merry Christmas to me.
Sunday, November 6, 2011
Tests, Tests, and More Tests
After we had been trying for about nine months, I mentioned this to my doctor at my annual exam, and he decided it was time to start testing. We tested hubby and his swimmers, and they tested normal. I figured all along it was probably me, since my periods have always been a bit sporadic. At that point my doctor prescribed Clomid. We tested my hormone levels each month, and it showed that I was indeed ovulating. After five or six months of that I took a break, thinking that it couldn't be good to have that much Clomid in my system for that long. After six months off, I went back on, but at a double dose. Still nothing (although hubby was worried during this time that we'd end up with triplets!). My regular doctor is great, but he is so busy delivering babies that he really doesn't have time to invest in poor infertiles like myself. At that point we started looking elsewhere. Throughout all of this we occasionally took a few months off of the frustrating infertility game just so it wouldn't take over our lives.
Christmas 2010 we went to hubby's family, and stopped by his uncle's office, who happens to be a chiropractor. We were up front with him concerning our challenges, and he mentioned that for some women, regular chiropractic care can help with infertility. Since I already have a curve in my spine, we figured it couldn't hurt. When we got back from Christmas break I started seeing a local chiropractor. He told me all sorts of success stories, and guaranteed that I would be pregnant in three months. After a few more visits, he told me that my back was messed up, and there wasn't really much he could do. Note to everyone: do NOT make promises like this unless you can deliver! That was extremely frustrating.
April or May of this year we decided to do some more testing to try and get some answers. My doctor recommended a hysterosalpingogram (HSG). I could barely pronounce the word when he told me about it, but now I don't think I'll ever forget it. My doctor said there might be some "mild cramping" with it, but it shouldn't be a big deal. HA! What a liar. Luckily I made hubby come with me, or I would have never made it home! The procedure was done at the hospital in radiology. When I checked in, the technician asked if my doctor had prescribed anything to take before. Uh, no. Why, do I need something? She looked a bit worried and told me I shoud probably take some Advil as soon as I got home. Anyway, I changed into a gown, and the two techs prepped me. The HSG is basically a radiology test to see if your fallopian tubes are open. This test can see if there is scarring that is blocking them, or if there are cysts. The techs inserted a catheter "you know where", which was NOT AT ALL COMFORTABLE! At this point I started to cry, but assured the techs that I cry about everything, and it was nothing personal. When the catheter was in, they brought hubby into the room and the radiologist came in. He inserted some liquid contrast into the catheter, and proceeded to push the liquid into my womanly parts. Let me tell you, the human body DOES NOT like foreign objects being forced in, especially down there! It was SO painful. It was the worst cramping I've ever experienced, and I've had some pretty bad cramping in my life. I've heard some people compare this procedure to childbirth, saying that this is worse. I survived the procedure, though, and hubby and I both got to see on the monitor that everything was clear! We were relieved (although frustrated at still not having answers). I thought the worst part was over, but when the catheter was out and I was in the bathroom changing, my body decided to punish me for putting that stuff inside. I got very nauseous and dizzy, and I couldn't even stand up. I barely got changed, and went back into the radiology room only lay down on the floor and refuse to get up. I was sweating, and I felt like throwing up. The techs looked worried, and when I asked them if that reaction was normal, they didn't really have an answer. Nice. Anyway, hubby got me into the car and back home, and after 30 minutes of soaking in the tub I felt like I would survive.
Nobody can say that I won't do anything for my baby.
After that, we decided to try another chiropractor. We really like this one, and he is helping me with my back issues, but sadly I haven't been one of those lucky women to get pregnant after chiropractic care. At least it's getting me healthy again.
After talking to a few people, we decided to start seeing a fertility specialist. We've only met with him once, and he retested hubby's swimmers and did more blood work on me. My bloodwork came back normal, but we haven't heard about the swimmers yet. We're assuming they are normal as well, but it's been quite a while. I think they forgot about us.
So that is where we are now. We appear to be normal, which is good, but it is also the most frustrating thing EVER because nobody can tell us why we're not pregnant yet. I think I'm going to call the doctor's office tomorrow and check on hubby's test results. Then they can tell us what the next step is.
Christmas 2010 we went to hubby's family, and stopped by his uncle's office, who happens to be a chiropractor. We were up front with him concerning our challenges, and he mentioned that for some women, regular chiropractic care can help with infertility. Since I already have a curve in my spine, we figured it couldn't hurt. When we got back from Christmas break I started seeing a local chiropractor. He told me all sorts of success stories, and guaranteed that I would be pregnant in three months. After a few more visits, he told me that my back was messed up, and there wasn't really much he could do. Note to everyone: do NOT make promises like this unless you can deliver! That was extremely frustrating.
April or May of this year we decided to do some more testing to try and get some answers. My doctor recommended a hysterosalpingogram (HSG). I could barely pronounce the word when he told me about it, but now I don't think I'll ever forget it. My doctor said there might be some "mild cramping" with it, but it shouldn't be a big deal. HA! What a liar. Luckily I made hubby come with me, or I would have never made it home! The procedure was done at the hospital in radiology. When I checked in, the technician asked if my doctor had prescribed anything to take before. Uh, no. Why, do I need something? She looked a bit worried and told me I shoud probably take some Advil as soon as I got home. Anyway, I changed into a gown, and the two techs prepped me. The HSG is basically a radiology test to see if your fallopian tubes are open. This test can see if there is scarring that is blocking them, or if there are cysts. The techs inserted a catheter "you know where", which was NOT AT ALL COMFORTABLE! At this point I started to cry, but assured the techs that I cry about everything, and it was nothing personal. When the catheter was in, they brought hubby into the room and the radiologist came in. He inserted some liquid contrast into the catheter, and proceeded to push the liquid into my womanly parts. Let me tell you, the human body DOES NOT like foreign objects being forced in, especially down there! It was SO painful. It was the worst cramping I've ever experienced, and I've had some pretty bad cramping in my life. I've heard some people compare this procedure to childbirth, saying that this is worse. I survived the procedure, though, and hubby and I both got to see on the monitor that everything was clear! We were relieved (although frustrated at still not having answers). I thought the worst part was over, but when the catheter was out and I was in the bathroom changing, my body decided to punish me for putting that stuff inside. I got very nauseous and dizzy, and I couldn't even stand up. I barely got changed, and went back into the radiology room only lay down on the floor and refuse to get up. I was sweating, and I felt like throwing up. The techs looked worried, and when I asked them if that reaction was normal, they didn't really have an answer. Nice. Anyway, hubby got me into the car and back home, and after 30 minutes of soaking in the tub I felt like I would survive.
Nobody can say that I won't do anything for my baby.
After that, we decided to try another chiropractor. We really like this one, and he is helping me with my back issues, but sadly I haven't been one of those lucky women to get pregnant after chiropractic care. At least it's getting me healthy again.
After talking to a few people, we decided to start seeing a fertility specialist. We've only met with him once, and he retested hubby's swimmers and did more blood work on me. My bloodwork came back normal, but we haven't heard about the swimmers yet. We're assuming they are normal as well, but it's been quite a while. I think they forgot about us.
So that is where we are now. We appear to be normal, which is good, but it is also the most frustrating thing EVER because nobody can tell us why we're not pregnant yet. I think I'm going to call the doctor's office tomorrow and check on hubby's test results. Then they can tell us what the next step is.
A Little Background Info
My husband and I have been married for 4 1/2 years. We both went to school at the same place, but didn't really get together while we were both students. I graduated before him (he is older than me, but took two years off to serve an LDS mission in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania) and headed off to graduate school. I came back to teach at the same school, and he was still there finishing up some internships. We ran into each other at Wal-Mart, reconnected, and the rest was history.
Compared to most LDS people, we got married a little bit later. I was 24, hubby was 26. I remember thinking that I would never find the one for me, but I did. He is perfect for me, and I know he will be a great dad someday.
We both work in the music department at the university where we met. I teach, and hubby is the recording engineer. I also teach music lessons at home. And play in the local symphony orchestra. And am writing my dissertation. Needless to say, we are busy people. We love our life, but we know it is not complete. We are anxious to add children to our home, but recognize that Heavenly Father has a different plan for us at the moment.
About a year after we got married, we starting trying to get pregnant. I had already been having those strong maternal feeling for quite some time, and was ready to become a mother. We had a great plan, and were sure it was all going to work out perfectly. Right. . . you would think I would have learned by now that planning means nothing. I secretly laugh at people who tell me their "plans" for life. Mine never seem to go the way I think.
Anyway, each month was a disappointment for me. I was sure that we'd be pregnant in 3-4 months, just like most people. Plus, I was hoping fertility was hereditary (I call my mom "Fertile Myrtle". Her oldest is a honeymoon baby, and her youngest was conceived while she was using two different forms of birth control).
Now I've been through 40 months of disappointment. I'm getting tired. Some months are harder than others. Some days are good days, some are not so good days. Hopefully with this blog, there will be a few more good days.
Compared to most LDS people, we got married a little bit later. I was 24, hubby was 26. I remember thinking that I would never find the one for me, but I did. He is perfect for me, and I know he will be a great dad someday.
We both work in the music department at the university where we met. I teach, and hubby is the recording engineer. I also teach music lessons at home. And play in the local symphony orchestra. And am writing my dissertation. Needless to say, we are busy people. We love our life, but we know it is not complete. We are anxious to add children to our home, but recognize that Heavenly Father has a different plan for us at the moment.
About a year after we got married, we starting trying to get pregnant. I had already been having those strong maternal feeling for quite some time, and was ready to become a mother. We had a great plan, and were sure it was all going to work out perfectly. Right. . . you would think I would have learned by now that planning means nothing. I secretly laugh at people who tell me their "plans" for life. Mine never seem to go the way I think.
Anyway, each month was a disappointment for me. I was sure that we'd be pregnant in 3-4 months, just like most people. Plus, I was hoping fertility was hereditary (I call my mom "Fertile Myrtle". Her oldest is a honeymoon baby, and her youngest was conceived while she was using two different forms of birth control).
Now I've been through 40 months of disappointment. I'm getting tired. Some months are harder than others. Some days are good days, some are not so good days. Hopefully with this blog, there will be a few more good days.
Opening Up
I've been debating for a few months about starting this blog. I have my family blog where I talk about all of the wonderful things we've been up to, but I kind of feel like this topic needs to be all on its own. I don't really know who, if anyone, will read this, but I'm okay with that. This is more for me. I need somewhere to just unload all of my thoughts and frustrations. My husband and mother are both wonderful, but I worry that I'm dumping too much on them. This is going to be my infertility therapy, and if someone else stumbles onto this page who is going through the same thing, hopefully it will give them a bit of comfort as well. I'm going to be pretty honest with everything we're going through, from the procedural side to all of the emotions that come with it.
So this is it. My journey to Motherhood.
So this is it. My journey to Motherhood.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)