Where's My Christmas Miracle?

I had a great Christmas this year. I really did. My baby brother came home from his 2 year LDS mission to New York, and we had most of our family here for the weekend. We had a wonderful time and ate lots and lots of food. I am grateful for the Christmas season, and the opportunity we have to reflect on our Savior's birth, life, and the Atonement.

It was frustrating, then, to have something happen to cause a total emotional breakdown on Christmas morning. I guess a little back story is in order.

There is a girl in my ward (we'll call her Sarah) that has been struggling for infertility for almost three years. Not quite as long as us, but she's definitely had her share of disappointments. She is, however, four years younger than me. She's been married several years longer than I have. Anyway, I also happen to be her visiting teacher. I'm pretty sure my Relief Society president put us together thinking we were kindred spirits or something. I really like this girl, so I was happy to be able to spend some time with her each month. We've had a few conversations about our infertility journeys, and it was nice to feel like I wasn't totally alone in this challenge. Anyway, back in August I went to visit her and my partner was running late. We had a bit of chit chat, and the topic inevitably went to infertility. She asked how things were going for me, and after giving her a brief update I asked how it was going for her. She looked a bit nervous, and struggled to get her next sentence out. I knew exactly what she was going to say. She was pregnant. Of course I was happy for her, but the tears just came out. It totally caught me off guard. My infertile friend was infertile no longer.

Months later, she's showing and is now the "belle of the ball" at church. The other women in the ward are always crowding around her asking how she's doing, and they are all so happy for her (as they should be. Darn it, why does infertility always make me sound like a horrible person!). So the last time I visited her was the Sunday before Christmas. She was going in for her 20 week ultrasound the next day to find out the gender of the baby. We both told her we looked forward to hearing the news (half true: I wanted to know, but I also didn't want to know. Infertiles are drawn to anything pregnancy related like a bad car accident. We just can't stay away). So on Christmas morning we had our choir Christmas program, and I was in the choir. I sat next to my neighbor, who always seems to know everyone's business and is not shy about sharing it. The Christmas program went well, and at the end our bishop was giving a brief talk. My neighbor took out a piece of paper and wrote me a message. "Sarah is having twins!!" My heart broke. How was this possible! She didn't have fertility treatments, she didn't do anything, and they weren't supposed to be able to get pregnant, and now she's having twins?!?!? Oh yeah, and we have another neighbor (we all live on the same street) who also just had twins a few months ago, and there is another set of twins down the street. After my neighbor showed me the news. She said, "You should have no problems now! Three sets of twins on our street! It must be in the water!" Right. That's just what I wanted to hear to make me feel better. After the meeting, I quickly snuck out the door and drove home to start my meltdown. It was too much. I was overcome with feelings of grief and dispair mixed with guilt for not being able to be happy for my friend who has been in my same situation. She got her Christmas miracle. I should be overjoyed for her, but I just can't. I'm not that good of a person. My own situation is still to real and too painful. All I can think about is how I didn't get my miracle. Wow, I am selfish.

Anyway, once hubby got home it took another hour to calm me down. I was doing so well, too! The last few days I was even trying to get used to the idea of not having children (I wasn't dumb enough to think that those feelings would last). Anyway, infertility has a horrible habit of sneaking it's way into every situation, every holiday, everything. It is all-consuming. I'm sick of it.

Congratulations, you made it to the end of this little whine session. Now go grab a handful of Christmas candy. That's what I'm going to do. :)

Hope

I had the blessing of hope this week. Hope that I might finally get what I've been wanting for so long. After being 4 days late, I thought I might actually be pregnant. For those few days, I thought there might actually be life growing inside of me. I still thought there was a pretty good chance that I wasn't pregnant, but a small part of me allowed myself to hope. It was nice to have a small break from that overwhelming feeling of grief and hopelessness. I finally built up the courage to take a test, and I got that all too familiar BFN (big fat negative for all those non-infertiles out there). The feelings of grief and frustration are back, but I am grateful for the chance I had to hope.

A Little Video

I came across this video a while ago on an infertility blog. I totally fell apart watching it. I fall apart every time I watch it. Some people probably think it's a bit cheesy, but for those who are going through this it hits very close to home. Although it makes me cry every time, it's also a good reminder that no matter how alone I feel in all of this, there are many women all over the world going through the same heartache.