I Survived

My surgery yesterday was a success. I'm still pretty tender, but I'm happy to be on the recovery side of it. My husband and mom both came with me, and I so appreciated having them there. I had a cold this weekend, so I was really worried they would cancel the surgery, but I got better just in time.

The surgery itself was a blur. After having 5-6 different people asking me the same questions over and over again, they wheeled me into the operating room and put the mask over my face. The next thing I knew I was in post-op with tears streaming down my face (I tend to cry a lot when I'm under anesthesia. My husband tells me I would be a very weepy drunk). I was pretty foggy for the next 30 minutes, and I kept asking people the same questions over and over again because I could remember what the answers were.

When my head got a little clearer, I finally understood what they were telling me. They found some endometriosis. In the doctor's words, "a moderate amount." They were able to clear it out without any problems. It was glorious news. They even took pictures of it for me to take home as a souvenir. I didn't get to talk to my doctor afterward, but I have a follow-up appointment in two weeks. Oh, and they also took out my appendix. I know, I was shocked. I was thinking, "you asked me 6 times what surgery I was supposed to be in for, and you got it mixed up??". Apparently I had an enlarged appendix, which means I had a previous infection and would be more likely to have problems later on. So I guess I got a 2 for 1 deal on surgeries. :)

So now I have three small incisions, including one in my belly button (they pulled my appendix out through my belly button? Weird).

I'm feeling pretty hopeful right now. I kind of feel like starting over again. It still may take us a while, but I have that excited feeling again, not the hopeless feeling every month.

So here's to new beginnings and tender tummies. :)

Anticipation

I'm getting kind of nervous. And excited. And anxious. I'm really glad we're doing this next week. Before I was always nervous that they would find something, but now I'm hoping they do. My doctor is so optimistic that he'll be able to clear everything up and we'll be on our way to making babies. I know from experience that doctors tend to be overly optimistic (oh don't worry, this won't hurt much. . .), but I really want to believe him on this one. After next week we'll know either way. Either we'll be normal people again and get to experience the excitement of trying each month without the feeling of doom and gloom, or we'll be on our way to IVF. Either way, we'll be much closer to bringing our baby home.

Prayers will be appreciated. :)

A bit of progress

We went to the doctor on Tuesday. It was a bit frustrating at first because the doctor didn't even remember who I was, but once he pulled up my file and we talked for a while, I felt better. We're going to have the laparoscopic surgery on February 22nd. It is a completely inconvenient time since it's in the middle of the week in the middle of the semester, but it was the only time available, so we took it. That means in less than three weeks we'll know if we have a chance of getting pregnant on our own or if we need IVF. I'm kind of hoping they find something, so they can fix it and we'll be good to go. If I'm all clear, that's great but it leaves us right back to the big fat question mark.

So for now, there's hope. I'll take it.

Frustrated

I'm feeling stuck again. We're on our third month of the triple medications, and nothing's happening. I'm feeling like things aren't moving forward at all, and I'm getting frustrated. We're going to the doctor on Tuesday for a pre-op appointment for laproscopic surgery to look for endometriosis. Part of me wants to do it, but part of me is terrified of the recovery time and the cost. I'm also terrified of the result, either way. If they find something, it might mean I won't ever be able to get pregnant. If they don't find something, we'll be stuck again.

I'm feeling a little overwhelmed about all of the things that might be wrong. I keep hearing about these natural treatments, and all of the things that could be wrong with you and it's impossible to know. I've had people tell me I need to do reflexology, chiropractic care (tried it), and lots of other things. I can't help but think that we'll never figure out what's wrong.

My husband and I had the IVF talk today. We're still working on other avenues, but we need to start planning. We're going to start saving for the procedure, and tentatively plan on doing it in November. Our insurance doesn't cover it, so it will be around $20,000, and there is only a 35% chance of it working, so we might have to do it several times before it actually works.

Ugh.

Where's My Christmas Miracle?

I had a great Christmas this year. I really did. My baby brother came home from his 2 year LDS mission to New York, and we had most of our family here for the weekend. We had a wonderful time and ate lots and lots of food. I am grateful for the Christmas season, and the opportunity we have to reflect on our Savior's birth, life, and the Atonement.

It was frustrating, then, to have something happen to cause a total emotional breakdown on Christmas morning. I guess a little back story is in order.

There is a girl in my ward (we'll call her Sarah) that has been struggling for infertility for almost three years. Not quite as long as us, but she's definitely had her share of disappointments. She is, however, four years younger than me. She's been married several years longer than I have. Anyway, I also happen to be her visiting teacher. I'm pretty sure my Relief Society president put us together thinking we were kindred spirits or something. I really like this girl, so I was happy to be able to spend some time with her each month. We've had a few conversations about our infertility journeys, and it was nice to feel like I wasn't totally alone in this challenge. Anyway, back in August I went to visit her and my partner was running late. We had a bit of chit chat, and the topic inevitably went to infertility. She asked how things were going for me, and after giving her a brief update I asked how it was going for her. She looked a bit nervous, and struggled to get her next sentence out. I knew exactly what she was going to say. She was pregnant. Of course I was happy for her, but the tears just came out. It totally caught me off guard. My infertile friend was infertile no longer.

Months later, she's showing and is now the "belle of the ball" at church. The other women in the ward are always crowding around her asking how she's doing, and they are all so happy for her (as they should be. Darn it, why does infertility always make me sound like a horrible person!). So the last time I visited her was the Sunday before Christmas. She was going in for her 20 week ultrasound the next day to find out the gender of the baby. We both told her we looked forward to hearing the news (half true: I wanted to know, but I also didn't want to know. Infertiles are drawn to anything pregnancy related like a bad car accident. We just can't stay away). So on Christmas morning we had our choir Christmas program, and I was in the choir. I sat next to my neighbor, who always seems to know everyone's business and is not shy about sharing it. The Christmas program went well, and at the end our bishop was giving a brief talk. My neighbor took out a piece of paper and wrote me a message. "Sarah is having twins!!" My heart broke. How was this possible! She didn't have fertility treatments, she didn't do anything, and they weren't supposed to be able to get pregnant, and now she's having twins?!?!? Oh yeah, and we have another neighbor (we all live on the same street) who also just had twins a few months ago, and there is another set of twins down the street. After my neighbor showed me the news. She said, "You should have no problems now! Three sets of twins on our street! It must be in the water!" Right. That's just what I wanted to hear to make me feel better. After the meeting, I quickly snuck out the door and drove home to start my meltdown. It was too much. I was overcome with feelings of grief and dispair mixed with guilt for not being able to be happy for my friend who has been in my same situation. She got her Christmas miracle. I should be overjoyed for her, but I just can't. I'm not that good of a person. My own situation is still to real and too painful. All I can think about is how I didn't get my miracle. Wow, I am selfish.

Anyway, once hubby got home it took another hour to calm me down. I was doing so well, too! The last few days I was even trying to get used to the idea of not having children (I wasn't dumb enough to think that those feelings would last). Anyway, infertility has a horrible habit of sneaking it's way into every situation, every holiday, everything. It is all-consuming. I'm sick of it.

Congratulations, you made it to the end of this little whine session. Now go grab a handful of Christmas candy. That's what I'm going to do. :)

Hope

I had the blessing of hope this week. Hope that I might finally get what I've been wanting for so long. After being 4 days late, I thought I might actually be pregnant. For those few days, I thought there might actually be life growing inside of me. I still thought there was a pretty good chance that I wasn't pregnant, but a small part of me allowed myself to hope. It was nice to have a small break from that overwhelming feeling of grief and hopelessness. I finally built up the courage to take a test, and I got that all too familiar BFN (big fat negative for all those non-infertiles out there). The feelings of grief and frustration are back, but I am grateful for the chance I had to hope.

A Little Video

I came across this video a while ago on an infertility blog. I totally fell apart watching it. I fall apart every time I watch it. Some people probably think it's a bit cheesy, but for those who are going through this it hits very close to home. Although it makes me cry every time, it's also a good reminder that no matter how alone I feel in all of this, there are many women all over the world going through the same heartache.