Decisions

Sorry I've been MIA for a while. It has been a crazy semester (I say that pretty much every semester). I finally finished my schooling, which was a great feeling. Now the hubby is working on his Masters degree, so we still have a student in the family. All his homework time gives me plenty of time for crocheting, house cleaning, and thinking about our family situation.

No big news to report, but I definitely feel like our family has hit a crossroad of decisions. It feels like a whole lot of things may be happening within the next year, but nothing is certain. We have a few different options that are presenting themselves, which makes everything very confusing. Needless to say, I have been very distracted for the last few weeks.

On a side note, I've been started on a new kind of fertility medication. This one was designed to treat breast cancer, but it also helps with fertility (?!?). So now I'm taking cancer medication and diabetes medication in the hopes that they will help me get pregnant. Weird.

Creeping up on 30

Still playing the waiting game. When I had my surgery in March the doctor said it should only take me three months, six months max. We're on the sixth month, and I'm now back on Clomid. My ovulation has been spotty, so we'll try this for a few months, and if this doesn't do it we'll move forward with IVF.

I turn 30 in 3 weeks. I've really only had two goals that I wanted to achieve before I turned 30: get my doctorate, and become a mother. It looks like I'll be defending my dissertation a week or two after my birthday, so I say that's close enough on that one. No such luck on the second goal. I realize it is not really anything that I can control, but it is still upsetting. I hear a lot of people say that they want to be finished having kids before they are 30. Yeah, those are the people that make all sorts of life plans and they just work out perfectly. :) As the years tick by, I can't help but think about how much older I'm getting, and how my future family size is shrinking. 

I know I have accomplished a lot in my 30 years, and I know that life is still good. But it's also still hard.

We need new water

Water and pregnancy seem to be intricately connected. I saw something on the news about how all of the celebrities are having babies. One of the people commented, "It must be in that Hollywood water". On our street we have an unusually high occurrence of twin babies being born. I was at a baby shower on Wednesday and somebody said, "It must be in the water!" Then last Saturday I was playing at a wine auction in Jackson Hole. Both the 1st violinist and the pianist were about 7 months pregnant, and I heard at least two people say, "It must be in the water!"


I need to start drinking more water.

More Waiting

Nothing new to report. It's been a few months since the laproscopic surgery, and I'm trying not to sink back into that feeling of hopelessness again. Part of me thinks that everything will be okay now, and part of me thinks that we still have a long way to go before we become parents.

I am proud to report that I survived Mother's Day quite well. There were only a few tears, and mostly when our Relief Society president came up to me right before Sacrament meeting to tell me what a great mother figure I am to so many people. She ambushed me in my seat, and it got me going. I also had a lot of extra compliments on my dress, hair, etc. from people who obviously wanted to do something but didn't really know what to say. It was mildly amusing, but I appreciated the gesture.

I am still surrounded by mothers. My neighbor had her twin baby boys, another neighbor had a baby boy, they are everywhere.

My little sister is now 20 weeks pregnant. She finds out the gender of her baby on Friday. I am thrilled for her, but to be honest, it is very difficult. If I think about it too much I usually start to cry. I guess I thought one of my sisters would probably get pregnant before me, but that didn't make it any easier. I appreciate her sharing her pregnancy experience with me, though. I am excited for her, and am very excited to have a new niece or nephew. I hope she knows I will want to spend lots and lots of time with that baby. :)

So we continue to work on faith an patience. We went to stake conference a few weeks ago, and our bishop was one of the speakers. He talked about gratitude, and included faith as part of gratitude. He said that faith was having pre-gratitude for something. I really liked that idea. So I'm pre-grateful for the chance to be a mother. It's going to happen.

Some days are harder than others

I know there's hope for us, but some days, it just seems like everyone else's joys of motherhood is getting shoved in my face. Some days are just hard. The worst part is it's like a car accident. I can't not look. I have to know about everyone's pregnancy and baby news, and then it just makes me feel worse. I'm happy for them, but it can still hurt.

Anyway, I came across this last night. I thought it was very fitting.

Happy Easter

The older I get, the more Easter means to me. I'm grateful for my Savior, who has atoned for us. He not only atoned for our sins, but he went through every pain, heartache, injustice, sadness that we experience in life. I'm grateful to know that He understands the heartache of infertility, of wanting something so desperately that seems to come so easily to others. I'm grateful to know that He has experienced the sadness of having to send my husband away to a foreign country for two weeks. I know He lived and died for us. Happy Easter everyone.

Happy and Hopeful

My husband and I went to my follow-up appointment yesterday afternoon. I feel like I'm recovering very well, and I'm cleared to go back to the gym today! It was very interesting hearing the doctor describe what he saw during surgery. I mentioned that he found a moderate amount of endometriosis. He said it was on the mild side of moderate, but enough that it was significant (Okay, this is where it starts to get graphic. Reader beware). The doctor labeled all of the pictures he took, and one of the pictures had a bunch of liquid. he saw it was a pool of menstrual blood that had backed up out of the fallopian tubes. I guess it's called retrograde menses. They think it could be a cause of endometriosis. He did say that I had beautiful fallopian tubes. :) The most interesting part was my appendix. He was surprised at how bad my appendix looked, but after they took it out they took it to the lab, and it was full of endometriosis! I didn't even know that was possible. The doctor said it was pretty unusual.

At the end of this, I asked the doctor, "Now what?" "Now, you get pregnant!", he said. He said he has a very good feeling that this was the cause of our infertility. He feels confident that we will be pregnant within three months, but if it doesn't happen in 6 we go back in. He didn't even prescribe us any fertility medication, he's that sure we won't need it.

It's hard to describe how I felt after the appointment. I felt whole. I felt not broken. I felt like any other girl who is just starting out trying to get pregnant. At the end of the appointment the doctor talked to us about what kind of prenatal vitamins he prefers for pregnancies. He talked about it like it was no big deal. I couldn't help it. I cried the whole way home. I feel whole again. At least for now.